Sunday, July 31, 2005

Our Music

*I'm writing this becoz I hope you'll be able to read this*

The sound of the piano came from the TV so I started watching

The no. of people taking the ABRSM Exams (including both theory and instrument exams)
Has been increasing much every year since 2001- 2002
From around 52,XXX students to 85,XXX.

That's around one eighth of the total no. of people. Global figures.

XXX

"Now the grade 8 cert. means nothing great when everybody's got it,
probably there'll be 8 people out of 10 who can play the piano,
and 6 of them would have reached grade 8.
I want to get to the Advanced Level, coz in case I don't get a job,
I can alwayz try teaching piano and make a living out of it."


As I've heard, some secondary school has included the requirement of a grade 8 certificate in at least one instrument.


The show ended with a scene of a classical concerts,
few people with scattered applause.


*What kind of culture is this???????????????????????????????????????????????????????*

Femininity

http://home.kimo.com.tw/u504053/fav/test/11.htm


290 分

結果說明:

多數男性的分數會分佈在 0 ~180 分之間
多數女性的分數會分布在 150 ~ 300 分之間


分數高過 180 分的,就是很女性化的人
分數越高,大腦就越女性化
富有創意,有音樂藝術方面的天份
他們會憑直覺與感覺做決定,並擅長從很少的資訊判斷問題.

*原來我個腦係好女人咖喎.*

Saturday, July 30, 2005

Enjoying myself

與老婆仔撐枱腳.成長的代價不少呢,希望以後也與你同行.

逛IKEA.自作聰明用核突Danish accent朗讀Swedish品牌.
(註:丹麥語及瑞典語極奇相似,兩者近乎可以互通.)

瘋狂三人組再聚頭,九唔搭八餐廳內狂歡狂笑
笑料無限發放再加誇張動作+sound effect完全喜劇效果
續集再戰機舖
瘋狂士兵邊笑邊叫邊奮戰
在本人"英明領導"下先後陣亡
賽車mini-games手眼協調極度handicapped
最精彩之處莫過於排排坐觀賞"魔斬"
緊張處尖叫,興奮處拍手,
叫當事人也不禁好笑.
至機舖打烊,上年"Sailormoon"快刀斬亂麻搞笑事件
才不至載譽重演

打電話提你打電話俾我之Mission Completed.
鄭小姐將來大計.陳Q小學增肥式小賣部Vs以粗框bitchy眼鏡翅膀造勢的闊太纖體美容中心.

張某人呀呀呀呀呀呀呀呀呀呀呀呀呀呀呀呀呀呀呀呀呀呀呀呀呀呀呀呀呀

嘩失驚無神又去旅行
同鄭穎茵去俾人免費教育喎

神龍見首不見尾毛子現身
半馬拉松式四小時MSN
此刻不見只能待明年,所以
其他人通通退下

機癮忽起瘋狂打機至over-aroused
最愛布殊英女皇齊齊出動

夏小姐空降香港難怪呼風喚雨

OH MY GOD黃沛芝都去星加坡SO DAMN GREAT熱切期待大團圓結局

阿女麻精神大好仲竟然同胡杏兒個阿女麻係麻雀友

第一齣專業戲"好世界"不過不失
Grace與我同被prime o左雙丸河
再談崇劇intern諸如此類
在此僅為無聊gag致歉

***

I'm doing good.

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Insights from Tonight

*Shit...無故斷線又要重頭開始...*

簡短一些

多謝前輩
在我氣上心頭
將近無理取鬧之時
提醒我事情可能未知的另一邊
也許
各有各難處吧
誰對誰錯又那說得準
唉.

祝大家
早日解脫.

xxx

慶幸有音樂相陪

精選
1)達明一派對/達明一派
Jamaican melody夏日風光+Wyman腰心腰肺題材
2)我真的受傷了/王菀之or張學友
依舊記得誠話佢第一次聽呢隻歌o既時候正o係青衣城某廁所o殊o殊... -_-0|||
3)一比一/范瑋琪(陶喆作曲)
一比一是種理想得叫人妒忌的幸福
4)我是現在/何韻詩
金碧輝煌MV有點驚豔,但奈何動作有點生硬古怪
5)半夜粵語殘片"人心博人心"義賣糖果之歌

嚇死人之作
1)Kissy Kissy/蜜雪薇琪
完全懼怕亞洲典型[懶]可愛女生形象.
2)想/Yumiko(詞:周耀輝)
由歌曲歌詞編曲到MV形象拍攝手法以致字幕都極端80年代(定90?!)o既一隻歌,完全令我諗起卿姐或者劉美君.但係本人真係唔係咁喜歡周生o既詞,大膽又唔大膽得晒,至於Yumiko o既演譯就更加......

否極泰來(Rebound)

Despite the fact that I'm not so religious, I think I should say thanks to God for this.

Whenever things turn wrong, when I start to feel a little sad and depressed,
good things will start to happen.

Starting with your postcard, your call... and then messages from good friends...
Thank you all so much.
Thanks for arranging all the stuff.
And most of all,
thanks for being concerned about me.

I am not all depressed, but I'm just disappointed.
I realize how naive I am, but that doesn't rip me off my belief about in the goodness of the world.

YES, ultimately, I'm still optimistic.

*Hey my dear, tell me if you can read Chinese with da unicode!!!*

The thing that brightens up my day

*See? I've kept my promise - this is for you my dear :)*

Your postcard arrived, YAY!!! I realize how much I have missed you.

Missed calls... called back.


You just called at the right moment... I was desperately looking forward to your call today.
And it helped so much...
I mean, it was always great comfort to hear from you again.
Sorry that I've alwayz been so depressing in the way I speak,
but I am extremely GRATEFUL that you've alwayz been so good to accept me as your friend, as who I am;
So encouraging and understanding that I feel like
"itz alright to be who I am, even in my bad times."

So itz been almost 2 years... and I still found it my greatest pleasure to have you as my friend.

I mean it.

As I read through my diary recently, I found out all these wonderful memories with you.

Thank you soooo much my friend.

Hugs and Kisses, with lots of love....
Q

*baci baci*

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

回頭是岸

Itz a world made up of lies.

知道了一些不應該知道的事.

我跟自己說,我不想再犯同樣的錯誤了,一次兩次三次四次.
我實在不想再做傷害自己的事了.
你們都太可怕了,還是我太天真.

人前人後...這些人永遠不可能對你坦白.算了吧.

人豈有十全十美.要是比你聰明就自然而然的也比你狡猾.
一想到我的軟弱,我覺得毛骨悚然.

決定小休一下.
真的,我被嚇怕了.

是trial and error也夠了吧.
我太清楚自己玩唔起了,
我是不會再做蠢事的.
別少看我.

...尾巴咬著尾巴咬著...

*怕被逼迫.自己又何嘗不是最逼迫人的那一位.*

我不明白,為甚麼當我在意一些人的時候,
他們總是置我的死活不顧,
覺得我無賴
突然冷淡銷聲匿跡
光明正大一句"I don't care"
從沒理會過我的感受;

然後時勢輪流轉,
別人之於我總是怨言多多
我令人無奈
沒有誠意云云
不明白為甚麼朋友之間說話
也要被人挑剔
甚至被人攻擊

誰又對我很有誠意?!誰又對我很關懷備至呀?!
那傷我的迫我的害我的騙我的又那裏來了?!

I know who is good to me, what da fxck.

XXX

SWING "忍者"

又係我錯喎 乜都係我錯喎
我究竟可忍到幾耐 耐 耐
點解我要忍

XXX

因為我仲當你係朋友咋

*Sorry,俾我冷靜下.當有人對我唔好而當我一心想對人好o既時候,我唔明點解我咁o既下場o者.
可能我太天真,我唔識做人啦.*

Monday, July 25, 2005

生與死的勇氣

祖母("farmor" på dansk - 即"father's mother",實在是最完美的system)上星期才在醫院裏出來的,今天我才跟媽媽外出吃個飯她又弄得呼吸困難,急忙飛的+call白車,於是又在醫院待了一整晚.
剛回來,已經一時了.

事實上,這些日子在威院進進出出(這兩年來是頻密了),已經不會像從前那樣擔心,知道她一但吸了藥和氧氣,又會平安無事.
雖然其實究竟下一次會否平安無事,仍是無人知曉.

有時候面對在獨自奮戰的女麻女麻,我啞口無言,刻意在腦海搜索"the right thing to say"
說"沒事"是騙人的,問"好了點沒"聽來像廢話.
我不知道怎麼可以讓她好過點.

面對衰老,面對死亡這些不能改變的將來,
有時我只覺無言以對.
"無事o既無事o既"
怎麼才可以陪她回顧人生,在最後一段留下個美好的結局?

最後我發現,原來我要做的,就是要讓她知道我會陪在她身邊.
跟她說說笑,說每天發生的事...
靈機一觸跟她猜包剪搥,哈.

希望這會是個好開始.

我發現我是真的一不是個擅長跟別人溝通的人
所以或許我不應當心理學家

Sunday, July 24, 2005

Why I find it hard to be religious

我是真的很喜歡有血有肉的感覺
我不偉大
但我努力的去做

像"生肖奇緣"(Fruit Basket)裏的一幕
我接受你
不是因為我不怕
而是因為我為你的緣故
我願意對抗自己的恐懼

所以我信愛是恒久忍耐
但我很難想像把我觸碰不到的愛放在人以上
所以我佩服慈悲為懷
但我不能也不想摒棄貪嗔愛恨

是不完美讓我們之為人
有哭有笑有悲有喜
才讓我感到活著.

某程度上
我是很想religious一點的,但我做不到.

哈.
明明不停的跌跌碰碰
被人傷害
為甚麼我還是如此地
打從心底裏想高舉人本主義.

看漫畫太多了吧.
(死,連做個乜乜test都話我係"Japanese".)

*Warning*

陳小姐,我拜託你別胡來.


好可惡的沒完沒了.明知道是假象卻好像逃不過.


每次的Spontaneous Recovery.


過了就好.


X X X

阿Q X 阿秋

Q : "無呀,鬼叫我花心但長情咩."
秋: "o下,咁點解要花心呢."
Q : "Er...我都唔知呀.我都唔想咖喎."
秋: "...係喎.咁又係."


唉.陳Q還不是陳Q.

Btw,秋秋,你好嗎?

故地重遊

今次以觀眾身份極趕急地再踏牛池灣三樓.甫步出電梯門外,還沒一一認出所有人便聽到一聲尖叫,還隱約聽到(又)有人說我胖了.第一個Spot到的是bitchy look 鄭小姐,一個箭步,一個擁抱.

嗯,多謝你們的歡迎.我回來了呢.

沒想到這個平平凡凡的我變了"傳說中的陳Q"
i.e. = "導演" + "老鬼" + "Sound team" + "識好多人" + "一個人sell 100張飛" + "Exchange"
以致令某人好想認識我,也令新人不敢跟我說話(?!)...
自己也意想不到,原來失蹤一年之後(對,失蹤是一個帶有神秘色彩的行為,更添"高人"的味道),
回來重新發現別人如此評價自己.

又心理系某舊友將我介紹予今年year 1的同學,
還未打招呼便是一句"我知你係阿Q"
之後老友又來抬舉一番,說甚麼"心理系認識最多人的人"
...嘩.

一時間感覺好奇怪,這些稱呼絕對不是如今的我可以live up to的,
而我本人也自覺沒有要live up to it的心情
單看現在的我你完全感覺不到這就是當年那個"social王"(揚洲,2005)
[Or "Social Caterpillar/Butterfly"(Jimmy La & Weiliang, 2005)]
我沒有很多話要說,一但說來又不知從何說起,
而且總是說些很沉重的事.
對於餓得悶悶不樂的designer table,我也沒有像以前般
會強迫自己去"搞氣氛",況且也沒有這種energy,"不復當年勇"了吧.
Grace說我的氣燄收歛了,而且也沉鬱起來,
倒也沒錯.

很喜歡重遇一些舊人,也偶爾會一起瘋,但感覺是不一樣了.
與其說覺得自己"老了",倒不如是覺得自己"不再細個".
反正我一直是個孩子,如今雖未至蒼老,但也不會像以前般那管天下發生甚麼笑也能遊戲人間的心境.

對不起,我知道自己很悶蛋,若然讓你們失望了,不好意思呢.

我開始思考我是否真的變了?
這次到小尼用比喻了("你成日整埋d唔關事o既比喻又懶係d o野有關咁...!!!")
可能我是由 3 : 7 變了 7 : 3,她說.
揚洲說,我是"交遊廣闊",但也可以是"思考型的.
這提醒了我,其實人又豈只有一面.
我自己私自綜合出一個結論,就是將兩者合併...
就像Figure & Ground 一樣,以前白色是figure,黑色是ground;
如今黑色是figure,白色是ground;
以前你會首先認識到"好好笑"的陳Q;
如今你見到的是一個(故作)憂鬱的人.

或許不應評論好壞,
但當我重看當年的日記,發掘出這麼多快樂片段,
我就覺得那個小Q子如此的躲起來,
著實是有點可惜呢.

要學會喜歡自己的全部,其實一點不易.

回來的每一天,都是成長的過程和反思.很Fruitful.

我變了嗎?
以前的我,如今的我怎麼...請你們告訴我 :)



p.s.重看以前的日記,竟然在我(慣性地)過份期待 + 而你又對我沒意思的景況下發生了這麼多甜蜜事件,真是難怪我這麼喜歡你,哈!

Friday, July 22, 2005

家家有本難唸的經

有時我覺得

或許我可以當一個聆聽者
但我絕對不適合當一個心理學家

至少家中的事,
永遠是最難處理的

我已在努力了.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

錯誤的重覆

我也搞不清楚到底是我自己在推卸責任(用弗洛伊德的角度來講是"intellectualization")
還是真的如此.

有時候我會覺得,有關自己的東西真的難以改變,尤其是惡習及缺點,甚至不是我自己可以控制得到的.
(當然,那也是因為自己不會特別想把自己的好處改掉)

例如

我覺得我容易Obsessed with something,染上一個習慣,容易addicted to something
可能是因為孩提時的self-control training做得差,
可能是我的neurons建立connection快而且sensitivity 高;

又例如

我為人總是不能專注於一件事上,沒有毅力,很怕靜下來又容易胡思亂想
是因為我天生有太多的neuron connections (即謂黐線)
high need for stimulation, sensation, connection
半是因為genetic reasons,半是因為香港這資訊爆炸的postmodern環境


令我不得不同意,身體構造/基因(genetics),童年經驗(childhood experiences)都對我們影響深遠.

我們都總有那麼一個(甚至多個)弱點要克服,兜兜轉轉似的...不停的染上一些無聊的惡習,不停的胡思亂想錯誤期待,不停地在不同的興趣理想間跳來跳去,不停的喜歡上同一類人...有時回顧不免難過,彷彿枉費了這許多年不停犯著重覆的錯誤.

我發現我剛學會跳出來冷靜地嘗試解決事情.
應該是個好開始吧.

今天讀到朋友寫的一篇,是我曾經信奉的一套
我們該把思想調節到自己最舒服的一點
雖說有點阿Q,
但也是Psychological Health所強調的adaptiveness.
自問試過一兩年,效果不錯.

*既然有人嘗識,我嘗試開始再寫吧.*

Some simple truths are difficult to understand
but even harder to implement


回來以後其實甚麼都沒做,就只不停的再會舊友,每天早上起來梳洗外出,吃飯談笑一個下午,然後淡淡然的回家去.

我努力的嘗試尋找究竟自己怎麼變了,別人怎麼變,我們之間變了甚麼.
結果我發現,原來一切都不需要甚麼結論.
上一次見某人,覺得原來離別也不算甚麼,年月不算甚麼;
今次再見,可能話不投機.
又另外好些人,在預料不到的情況下重遇,
突然好像投契起來.

我發現我不應該再猜測甚麼,
也不必擔心甚麼,
有話題沒話題有時只在乎外在環境,
你我的際遇你我的心情,
懶惰的一句,也是訴諸緣份,不必執著.

這一次我們相見可能怪怪的,
但不代表下一次不會更好.

我不會再猜測大家之間變得怎麼了,
這樣的心理遊戲著實累人.

所以說,壓迫我的,其實從來都只有我自己.

我會嘗試放開我自己,
只笑著問一句
"你好嗎"

"Just to say hi"
別想太多.這是梁欣教我的.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

re-adjustment

*原來壓迫我的,從來都只有我自己.*

要在一個熟悉與陌生的地方生活上一段長時間
感覺好怪
甚至有點暗暗的害怕

由新城市擴充到那遮掩了大片天的朗豪坊
到處都是巨型Shopping Centre
一切眼花繚亂目不暇級彷彿一生都看不完
令我覺得好怕好怕.
連Shopping也有恐懼症.
怕被那種多姿多彩吞噬
一失足就無法回頭

街頭人來人往,很吵耳很吵耳
偶爾目眩了想找個地方歇歇
在哥本哈根時還有長椅還有大樹還有Cafe
還可以踏著車看沿途風景
如今赫然發現無處容身
怎樣好的Cafe也不能似當初躺在草地上甚麼也不用想地享受陽光
只是be together
渡過一個風和日麗的下午

我竟在旺角妄想找到一張長櫈歇一歇.

*
人嗎.
不是不想見人,只是太多了.太忙了.

只想賴在家.一想到一直以來的虧欠,想起這些人有多愛我,
我就只想陪他們.
對,晚上不出戶,週末不外出,很不好約.
但我重視家人又有甚麼不對?!

所以我才每天去醫院,因為我知道女麻女麻會悶,會怕.她需要一個會跟她說話的人.我做到了.
所以我才堅持和媽媽吃飯,因為我不想想像她一個人獨自在家吃.正如我怕獨個吃飯一樣.
所以我才想把週末留給家人,因為只有星期六日我才見到辛苦工作後終於可以休息的爸爸.

*
而且,又是老問題

任何人都不屬於我
正如我不屬於任何人一樣.
(或者,我屬於所有人嗎)

我還在努力地享受著這種自由.雖然我依舊莫名奇妙地嚮往
那種能夠"belong to somebody"的感覺
You are nobody until somebody loves you
Frank Sinatra這麼唱著.

*
隨緣吧.
(有時我想,Wyman,甚麼驅使你寫這些歌.這麼近那麼遠,達明一派對,1874,十面埋伏...)

你和你和你
眼前掠過

所以我才那麼想找到
這樣的一個人.

我彷彿感到
心裏在築起一個箱
把一切鎖起來

回想起
我們之所以相知
是因為我們面對同樣的寂寞

我發現重點是,
don't care so much.
唉,我投降了.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

太快了

可不可以慢一點.再慢一點

想見朋友.又怕見朋友.怕排得一至五下午再加晚飯週末.

想發現香港,卻又怕外出.一想起沙田紅磡銅鑼灣尖沙咀金鐘就覺得好可怕.

成功被選入Practicuum.實習很有趣吧,卻沒有信心,怕工作太忙又弄得晚晚在外過.

宿舍Appeal成功,難得與外國學生同住.又怕有沒有時間心機共處.

想看drama.又怕想看的太多眼花瞭亂日夜癲倒.

想搞音樂.卻怕圍繞周圍的"框框",怕被流行曲催眠.

想喜歡自己.卻又每天聽著那subconscious的批訐.




我想靜下來.看書,聽音樂,寫e-mail,想現在,想未來.
清清楚楚地.





這段日子
才是終極挑戰的開始

Monday, July 11, 2005

?

I'm back.


I'm wondering if I should keep on writing in this "qindenmark" blog then.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

5th July, 2005 18:18

It is at this moment when I start missing Copenhagen and the people.

A tear came down just a second before.

Just to keep a record.

But in fact it first started becoz I was thinking of you.

How's everybody?

Farewell

Copenhagen at itz best

Daylight for 21hours a day, the bright sun casting lights and shadows on the old colourful buildings lining up on both sides of the peaceful alleys

The ever changing daylight, sometimes a pale with a pastel-like touch; sometimes transparent with marshmallow clouds; sometimes a simply-nothing-else sky blue.

The lakes either in a shiny pink of dawn, thick orange sunset or opaque purple of twilight

Glittering waves of the water where ducks play and swans slowly drift by, storks in the air

Danish strawberries... the sweetest creatures on earth that you can't find elsewhere, as you gently bath them in light cream

The surprise visit from KaShing, the shock of him popping up in McDonald's, the excitement of missing a bus...

Squares and plazas filled with music, mostly jazzy, old folks tapping their feet , rocking their young-at-heart bodies, the skin a blush-red from the warmth of the pure sunshine without any bit of humidity, the icy cold of the dew hanging on the side of a cold beer in hand.

The old towns, old houses shine in daylight, brigtening up the perfect colour-pencil-pack combination along pebble streets street

The sound and sight of waves on a beach, a boat slowly sailing between the navy blue, turquoise and aqua

The islands lining up on both sides of the ocean, the coastline meticulously decorated by bits of yellow and orange and red and green, like a mini legoland.

Boundless fields, brown and yellow and green, nice little farm houses in midst of the fresh smell of nature. Red poppies among the grassland, a contrast of the stars in the sky. Little geese waggle as they line up between their parents, quacking and trodding back into the yard. Cows looking as relaxed as ever, lying down only to be disturbed by passing tourists.

Friends, the ever-so-cool and easy-going, energetic CJ,
a father, a teacher and a friend the nicest person ever Steffen,
Cheery lovely Priya who has the sweetest smile on earth,
and my roomie Marie who just can't hide her cuteness
My friend so long, simply a very good friend, caring and trustworthy, Arendse

I've got the best out of it.

Now I'm ready to go home, ready for things anew. To realize how I've changed, to rediscover Hong Kong, to create a brand new mixture of the old and new.

Ready to see my family and friends again and greet them with hugs and kisses.

That's what I said to my Dad, and I'll say to you all:
"See you in 2 days"